I Threw The First Punch

By the time I had been married  over 20 years, I began to ask God to let me see how I had influenced our family. I told God, "I know how Tom affected our family but will you show me how I did?" I had been meditating on "The heart is deceitful and desperately wicked, who can know it?"  I really wanted to know how my actions negatively impacted our family. I got up for the day and while taking my shower I remembered the name 'Luke Austin' and I asked, "Why did you give me the name Luke Austin and then we had a John Paul and the two girls?


"Because you murdered your first born." was an immediate response. and I quickly agreed, "Oh I did!"


Then, Father God continued, "Your heart deceived you." Instantly, I remembered the circumstances and was able to agree with the truth. I felt a deep sense of understanding all the ramifications. No remorse or guilt, just understanding. I was just 3 weeks pregnant and Tom and I had the pregnancy confirmed by a blood test that day. Then we were invited to go for a hot tub at the Elks with some friends of ours. I thought I could dip in and out and not raise my core temperature and therefore no harm would come to the embryo/fetus. I started hemorrhaging the next day and had an emergency D&C at 10 PM that night.


I was out of the shower and now standing over the sink, looking into the mirror I said out loud, "I am so sorry,"


I was apologizing to God, Jesus, Luke, Tom and my family, everyone, when I heard the voice of my son over the doorway of the bathroom, "Hi, Mom!"


I said, "Hi Luke!" 


A little later Father God said, "He was created in the image of your husband." This made me really sad. I knew how much Tom would have related to a son who had interests like his own. John would have made a great second born boy with a big brother.


It was about a month ago that The Holy Spirit revealed to me that I threw the first punch. It makes being able to write about real events that took place with a sense of detachment because I do not identify with the behaviors of my flesh anymore. I am bought with the precious blood of Jesus and it is no longer I who lives but Christ who lives in me. The life I now live I live for the glory of God and I understand Paul in Romans chapter 7 where he says when he does the very thing he does not want to do it is no longer him doing it "but sin that dwells within me." My life is hidden in Christ. My Spirit dwells with the Holy Spirit, we are one and the same. My flesh on the other hand is dead, it was crucified with Christ. This is spiritual warfare. The war that wages amongst my members, between my Spirit and my flesh, the Holy Spirit and angels vs principalities.
After Tom died, I was reflecting on the day, early in our marriage when I made a critical comment straight from the pit of hell and about Tom's way of praying. "Why do you pray such 'Mary had a little lamb prayers'?"
This crushed the tender spirit of my young in the Lord husband. My spirit longed for more meat from the Word in our lives and more time in prayer together. I had my own demons and Tom was bound by his demons and they were powerful. They hated the Word of God. His demons battled my demons most of our marriage.


Yesterday, I was thinking about situations from my marriage and I could just see Satan going before the throne of God and getting permission to sift our marriage.  I also see Father God placed a well fortified hedge of protection around our children. Satan started with me and He used the critical spirit I had. I remember seriously addressing that critical spirit 3-4 times in spiritual warfare and received much deliverance throughout the years, but I still see it rear it's ugly head when my flesh prevails on the throne for control in my life.