Idols Fortified By Pride Come Crashing Down

One August Monday night I attended class at church Beth Moore’s Breaking Free. We were learning about idols and I asked God to show me if I had any. A week later I was at early morning prayer and I dominated the group and was in the flesh. At the end of the meeting, I thanked a brother for his prayer of love that covered me with grace. I stated to him, "I am not easy to love," He responded and said again, I know I am difficult to love, he responded again, after I said, " I am odd and not easy to love, I heard him this time: "You are lovable., I told him I heard him and I would follow up with that with God when I got home.  At home, I was in my closet kneeling when I asked God to show me what the truth was. He opened my eyes to see that when I was being formed inutero, the enemy planted the lie, "You and not lovable," and I believed him. I never had friends and my kindergarten teacher told my mother, "What that girl needs is a damn good liken," I overheard mom telling Dad years later, "One thing that girl didn’t lack was likens."  

 God showed me I justified my "odd" behavior and no friends with thinking God had a calling on my life and I didn’t need friends. God let me know I was created with an insatiable desire to know and understand things and my belief in the lie perverted it to being a know it all. My pride fortified the lie over and over and the lie actually became an idol. I repented and wept profusely. Just 5 months earlier, I told God I was dubbing me Queen Know it all. I was at the end of myself totally unable to change my unattractive behaviors and unless He did anything to change me I was giving up.
A week later I mentioned to God, "Hey, I am no longer Queen Know it All so what is my new name?"  

Some time passed and He said, "Martyr." Well, that isn’t what I would have come up with. I also knew He wouldn’t tell me that now if it just meant how I was going to die so I asked a friend. She said, martyr means witness and we associate it with death because that is the ultimate witness. One thing that has always been easy for me and that is talking and preaching and speaking out the truth. I had a deep desire to know and understand and it isn’t perverted anymore. I ask God a lot of questions and He gives me the answers if and when it is the right time for me to have that understanding.